Waking Up

I clicked “Save Draft” instead of publish. This was written on the first, though.

As the smoke and fog of early-morning dissipated, so had the bleary thoughts of a year full of regrets. The year 2010 marked for me a year of many changes – some of which, while inevitable, were painful. Of course, wrestling with the One Universal Constant (as God is, in this day and age, no longer universal) only proved to be useless since lo and behold: the One Universal Constant absorbed me. And I suppose that in a moment of submission, I had let it into myself.

Let’s not talk figuratively. Stop talking figuratively, Ella. Okay.

There was the traditional transition from the young, sheltered life to a microcosm of the “real world.” Now, while University wasn’t as “real” as I wanted it to be, it was pretty close. I still lament my failure in passing the other uni, since I have heard many a fantastic story of its activism and its pride, its diversity and its cries. Of course I was jealous. Of course I am jealous. I’m not where I wanted to be, and someone else is. Of course.

But I like where I’m at. Or so I tell myself.

I have absolutely no idea why I’m trying way too hard to push myself even further in the course of my choosing. I have no skill in the art of effective social communication, so I now discover. I’m pretty sure half my block finds me weird, if not outright secretly hates me. Hm.

But I can’t complain about my many regrets, can I? Most of these mistakes are of my own choosing. “Fate,” as they call it, certainly didn’t choose to make me fail, as it is, after all, a constant.

Maybe I need to go out more and actually learn from my mistakes. Hm.


About hookedonoxygen

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