i want to be like other people.
i want to be like other people, okay? dammit. you’re right. is it so bad to want to be like everyone else? to actually feel for people and not just go “oh okay”? is it so bad to want to NOT be myself? is it so bad that if i stayed myself, i’d be an ass? i don’t feel for other people. it sucks. it super sucks. i want to cry when you show me the picture of a starving child, or a dying dog. i want to be funny. i want to stop being such an asshole, god.
i’ve been praying for months for god to give me feelings, because dammit i find it so hard to relate to other people when i don’t even know what it all means. sometimes, i feel like i don’t have a soul.
when you feel like you don’t have a soul, you’re screwed. like logically, i know what right is from wrong, what sucks and what doesn’t, but i can’t feel, goddammit. i force myself to cry on school retreats, because everyone else does. when i really do cry, it’s for shallow reasons, and. i just wish. i just wish i didn’t have to be like this, didn’t have to be so abnormal. i don’t care if people say i’m talented, because so what? i don’t care if people say i’m smart, because so what? when people have told me that they felt so sad because someone died – i can’t relate. when my maternal grandfather died, i was like “oh, okay.” when the household help of five years (or something to that effect) died, i was nonresponsive. i want to cry. dammit i want to cry.
i hate feeling so heartless. i hate seeing people who wished they didn’t have feelings because all you feel without feelings is confused and disoriented. i can’t even get into poetry or a book or a movie without technically analyzing it because heaven forbid i actually examine its emotional content.
i hate feeling so emotionally disconnected. maybe that’s why i’m slowly not believing in god. he hasn’t answered that one prayer yet. i mean, i have friends and i have best friends and i have family, but they’re just people, people like everyone else, and i have crushes on people but automatically categorize them based on appearance, personality, etc. etc. while failing to see the emotional layer to it all.
i have never genuinely laughed in my life. i have never genuinely cried in my life. never felt unrelenting joy, or heartbreaking sadness. i can’t sit in the dining table without feeling out of place because i can’t laugh at their jokes or relate to their stories. i can’t go to school and go to class and make friends on the basis of personalities meshing.
i have a horrible personality. and the root is probably because i don’t know how to be human.
what am i?