sometimes, when you’re stuck in a rut, you don’t even know why.

i’m drunk – drunk on the thoughts of purpose, maybe. drunk ‘cause well. anything else is utter bull. and i didn’t even let a single drop of alcohol touch my tongue.

it hurts when you realize that you may mean so little to the person who means so much. without him, the world around me changes, says eponine from the musical adaptation of les miserables. what hurts even more is that without me, his world will go on turning.

even if i had not messaged him more than thrice today (and that was to say “thank you”), his world still went on turning. i know that he is blind, but unlike eponine, i do not say that there is a way for us.

i know that it will never happen. i don’t know why i’m so attached. maybe it’s out of the desperation of needing somebody, anybody to love – like it’s not enough for me to love my friends and to love my family, because i want to spend extra time and attention to someone who wants it, and i want it back. i can’t expect that from him, because i know that someone else keeps him up at night. late-night text messages turned into bitter memories. that’s us, d. what happened?

i wonder – do you know that you keep me up at night?

maybe it has passed your mind once, maybe twice, but maybe you shoot that thought down because it’s not relevant to you, or maybe it disturbs you that i think this way. i wouldn’t know. but it doesn’t make the fact any less heartbreaking.

now, all i’m trying to do is distance myself from you, and it hurts. it fucking hurts, because it doesn’t matter if i do. because newsflash to me: your world will keep on turning.

i mean this in the sincerest way possible: i hope you’re happy. because really –

that’s all i really want.

is this the end? maybe.

who knows anymore?


About hookedonoxygen

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